Tomorrow I go back to work.
When Mitch and I got married, I wasn't so sure I ever wanted kids. My job was busy and demanding, and my philosophy was that I have enough kids to deal with at school - I don't need to come home to one, too. Eventually, I changed my mind (and Mitch's) on the whole kid thing, but never really saw myself as the type to stay at home with a kid all day long. I thought those mothers were surely crazy, that they must crave adult interaction, that their lives were empty and unfulfilling staying home with their children all day. I never could understand why so many moms (and dads, as the case may be) would get advanced degrees just to stay home with the kids. What a waste!
Boy, was I wrong on all accounts.
I knew that Gizmo would take over our lives, and I welcomed that. How much she took over my heart, I never could have imagined. I knew I would love her, that I would think she was the greatest thing ever, but the all-consuming love and devotion I have for her is so powerful that it makes me contemplate if we really need to eat and heat the house this winter, or if I can just quit my job and figure it out later. I want nothing more than to stay home with my little girl and take care of her every need, because I know how to do it best. I know all of her cries, the sighs that mean she's tired or needs a change of activity, and I love all of the baby conversations we have during the day and smile that she gives me first thing in the morning, recognizing me as her mommy.
It breaks my heart to know that I will most likely miss out on many of her firsts now that I'm going back to work, and that I'll miss so many opportunities to cuddle and console her.
Mitch and I are so fortunate that Grandma Jersey Girl has volunteered to take care of Gizmo at our house. It's really the only comfort I have, knowing that there will be someone with her who loves her just as much as we do and who will give her all the attention she needs.
My philosophy of work now has changed dramatically. In the past, I've been known to stay at
work for long hours to make sure things were ready for the next day, the next concert. I've often brought home work to make sure that papers were graded and lesson plans were prepared. Not anymore. Whatever doesn't get done during my contracted hours isn't getting done. Too bad. My baby needs me more than those kids at work. Mondays will be especially difficult, as I will teach all day, then go to teach private lessons at a local music store in the evening (something I've done for a while now). I will go all day without seeing my little Gizmo, without hearing her laugh or her cry, and she will most likely be asleep when I get home at night.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me. I'm trying to get all the crying out tonight so I can keep myself pulled together tomorrow (and so I don't go into work with my mascara running down my face). I've reminded myself that lots of moms go through this, I'm not the only one, and I will surely survive this first separation, the one of many in her life. But it doesn't make it any easier. I have to do it now.
Who would want to leave this face? I sure don't. Mommy loves you, Gizmo.
She just loves to play in her crib, kicking her farm animals!
Could those thighs be any cuter?
Meeting #1 Viking Fan at a football party last weekend. Skol!
Our friend's daughter Fi. Gizmo really enjoyed checking her out!
Gizmo is doing a really good job of lifting her head up nice and high!
She just loves to sing on her changing table. 
